HE really is our refuge and strength.....

Friday was the last appointment with the different doctors to plot out our plan.  This was the chemo Doctor.  We told him about the website where you can plug in your numbers and it tells you the longevity of you based on your cancer.  Jim's was 15 yrs.  I was sorta okay with that but not what I would have ever imagined.  This doctor didn't agree.  He said based on what he saw, that number is way too high.  As this man is talking, I can see my hero just sitting there stunned.  It was as if the life had literally been taken from him.  I could physically feel my heart break.  I'm sure Jim is thinking through the monetary process of taking care of me after he's gone.  I'm only thinking I can't live without him.  He is truly my everything.  I don't make any decisions without this man.  Not because I'm not capable, because I want it that way.  

We rock along the weekend, work on the rv to get it ready to move down to cstat with our boys, but it is there....The big elepant....That stupid elephant has been in our lives since May.  It's the presence of cancer.  You want to talk about it, but then again if you do, it because real.  So you put it in the back of your mind to have it come back in the darkest of night.....This was supposed to be the fun time of our lives....The boys are gone....We have devoted our lives to those boys....now they are gone, we were supposed to enjoy our time.....Not going from one doctor to another....Not to mention the expense of it all...There went our cruise.....

So this morning I found a book a dear friend gave me when Jim had his surgery....I opened it up with a attitude and found this verse as the devotional.....God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1.......The feeling that came over me as I read this verse was like when you get in a fight with your husband and he comes to you later and says he is sorry.....I felt like a security blanket had just be placed over my entire body.  I had run away from God the last few weeks because HE wasn't healing Jim like I thought He should have.  It basically said God will take you bout of the trouble you are in but only after you have stopped worring and become calm and quiet.  He uses trouble to teach His children precious lessons.  He regards them not as difficulties but as opportunities.....

Regardless of if Jim get healed here on earth or not, can't determine my retaliationship with GOD.  I can't go through life without HIM.  I feel like a new person when I get back on track.  Who knows what opportunity HE has for us after this is all over.  

I am determined that through the storm I will remain ever faithful.....