"I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin (with lyrics)

My sweet Aunt Barbar has been battling cancer for over a year now. We have been sad to hear this news....We considered every added day with her a gift. I had the fortunate opportunity this past July to sit with my sisters and all my Aunts and visit for a long time. Coincidence or God's planning.....

Last night, at the hospice center, all the family had left for the evening. The only people there with Aunt Barbara were my Dad, Katie (my step-mom), and God. Coincidence or God's planning....

My sweet Dad watched my Mom labor in breathing those last few days of her life. He watched my Mom leave this world and enter Heaven. My Step-mom, Katie, watched her spouse, Billy, labor in breathing those last few days of his life. She too, watched him leave this world and enter Heaven. Coincidence or God's planning.....

Chris Tomlin wrote a song, "I Will Rise" that gives us a picture of what Aunt Barbara's last few moments must have been like:
"And I will rise, when HE calls my name.
No more sorry, no more pain.
I will rise on eagles wings. Before my God fall on my
knees, and rise. I will rise."

This song is based on Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdended and I will give you rest."

Aunt Barbara, who was weary from a long hard fought battle with cancer, went to see Jesus last night. She now has rest. No more sorrow, no more pain.

I am deeply saddened today. I will miss her terribly at every family reunion, birthday party, swim party, any family gathering. I will miss her wit, humor, and her beautiful smile.

I need not say, "Rest in Peace, Barbara Nell", I believe you are in the loving hands of our Father with my sweet Mother, Billy, and many other family and friends having the "perfect family reunion"....oh I long to see the day when we all get together..what a day of rejoicing that will be!

My prayers are for Barbara's sweet sisters, brother, husband, child, daughter-in-law, and countless other family members that God will give us the comfort only HE can give......

Promise of Grace, not roses

Ever heard the song, Rose Garden?
   I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.  Along with the sunshine, there's got    to be a little rain sometimes.

Recently, I have watched close friends grieve over the lose of a Mother of small children who took her life.  Amazing enough I am hearing statements like this.  "How could she do that to her kids?" "Did they not see the warning signs?"  "Could she possibly go to Heaven?"  Here is an example of someone who was walking in the "little rain sometimes", however, hers was a flood that wouldn't end.  How many times have I been so over-whelmed with financial matters, problems with kids, school, schedules, friends, family.  The lists go on and on....This brings me back to a friend of mine a few years ago that did the same thing.  She was a lovely woman with kids.  I just remember feeling so sad, empty, mad.  I was no different than the friends of this woman.  However, I realized I didn't know what was going on in my friends life behind closed doors.  She had been battling depression and the medicine wasn't working properly.  What I had to do was step back from the hurt of her being gone and realize there is something more to this.  Personally, I have never been on the "suicidal" road before, however, I have past by the exit sign and slowed down.  You are personally at your lowest.  That is when the devil becomes your best friend.  You even get so far gone you think it IS better for my kids, because what I have to offer them is THIS?  The missing piece of the puzzle is Jesus Christ.  He NEVER wants this for you.  Do I believe this woman and my friend are in Heaven because they attempted to "play" God.  Yes, I do.  Their sin is NO different than our sin.  The sin of stepping out of the path God chose for you.  HOW many times have I been guilty of that.  When we are no longer in alignment with God, everything gets out of whack.  Then we have to go to a Chiropractor to get it all lined up again.  God is our chiropractor.  He lines us up and sends us back on the path HE intended for us to go. 

I was listening to my IPOD this morning and Softly and Tenderly by Selah came on.  I grew up on this hymn.   But today, I heard it as it was fresh and new......
          Come home, come home, ye who are weary come home......
I believe my friend and this young mom are home.  Weary no more.  God has cured them of their sickness.  The hard part, is the ones left behind.  I do know, NOTHING good will come out of trying to put her down for what she did.  It's done.  The best gift you can give this mother's family is PRAYER.  God is the ONLY comfort in a time like this.  Don't believe it, just watch a Christian family that just lost a loved one.  I have experienced this first hand.  People don't understand how you function when you just lost your Mom.  God provides GRACE and COMFORT to those who need it and ask for it. 

I ask that you lift up this family in prayer.  There are several children involved in this.  And remember when you are trying to "rationalize" this, step back and remember, you probably don't know the whole story.  You weren't there in her last hours.  BUT, you can be there for the family.  And you can make sure you hug a friend today, you never know if that friend, mom, sister, brother, teacher, or principal is walking in sunshine or little rain......

Excuse me, I need to catch up with the Jones'

This post comes with a warning......It's not nice.  It in no way is a "self help" to better yourself.....It is strictly an.....anything you can do, I can do better.....

I am trying so hard to be a better wife, mom, cook, cleaner, organizer, ....just a better person all around.  I recently had lunch with some of my buddies and one of my girlfriends ask me what I did all day....My husband cooks, the house is never completely clean, I don't work outside the home.  I don't even do the lawn anymore.  So, I started asking myself, "what do I do all day?"  Well, I have seen the latest HGTV "how to  do anything" shows...So, if ever asked, I can remodel a barn house like Sarah Richardson or paint like Carter Can......To take that a bit further, I can spend money like Teresa on Housewives of New Jersey.  I might could even dance like......Kate Gosselin.....

So, I am trying to turn over a new leaf.  I cleaned the house, did the laundry, even set out let-overs for dinner.  My house smelled of fresh pine-sol.  (that is my secret ingredient to make it "smell" like you cleaned)......

There is a Mom at my son's school.  She is everything I am not.  EVERY TIME she comes to school she is well put together.  Make-up on, hair neatly in place, cute clothes, and moving at a pace that shows she is organized.  And then there is me.....yes, I have on makeup, from yesterday, I have on my P.J.'s, and turning in on two wheels with papers flying out and milk spilling all over the car, throwing my kids out the door and telling them, "Run and you won't be late."

This particular woman, we will call Mrs."Get-a-Life"....that's my name for everyone that seems to have it all together.....No, I'm not jealous.....well, maybe a little....okay, yes, I am very jealous..... hence the name calling......

Now, Mrs. Get-a-life has a child the same age as my son.  I have told my son to stay away from that kid, and if he EVER ask you over, you will not go.  And don't even think about asking him to our house.  Because it would take me a year to get my house cleaned......

The day was dark and gloomy....My son got in the car and said these words....Mom, I have been invited to his house for his birthday party....Lightening flashes and a big bolt of thunder sounded... After grounding my son for a year for not listening to me, I eased up (only because my husband said I was crazy for not letting him go) and he said yes.  The day of the party I saw Mrs. Get-a-life walking the campus all put together and asked her if we were still on for tonight....She said she had not been able to do a lot of planning because one of her kids had been sick the night before and they were up all night....At that very moment I realized just how evil I could be......I smiled, toxins were released in my body because I envisioned her house a total mess, kids running around the party asking her, "what's there to do, you didn't plan"..........

On the way to the party  we are in the car, I'm singing, dancing, and telling my son to be polite...After all, this woman is tired, the house is probably a little messy....which all he could say was, "you mean like our house?".....after grounding him AGAIN, I pulled up to her house.....I heard angels pronouncing our arrival....either that or the radio was on.....None the less, the talking stopped.  It was a beautiful home...Not a weed in the yard, cute flowers through out the yard, birds singing and flying around (if I'm a bird, I'm perching here too), and kids everywhere, laughing and playing and having a great time.  I walked in the garage and she opens the door and immediately apologies for the mess in the garage....THE MESS?  the mess was three bikes on the floor and a skateboard.  I acted like it was a big ordeal to walk around them....I got to get my digs in early because I knew what was about to hit me......"The house".....EVERYTHING in place.  It was beautiful.  She had framed artwork from all her kids that looked like they spent a million bucks on  them.  She had cute little sayings on the mirror for them to "better themselves"......and then she showed me her cute little office that was tucked away in a nook...I walked to my car a bit defeated. There is no way I can ever compete with Mrs. Get-a-life.  I drove home with my defeated attitude and pulled into the garage, opened my car door and hit the ladder, tripped over the gas can, and knocked over a can of paint....I'll show you mess!!!!!

I asked myself the question...what would Sarah, Carter, or Teresa do....They would make a cute little office out of a nook....So, that is what I did...The next day, I grabbed my paint can that I had knocked over and painted my little nook....I went so far as to bring wallpaper back....I finished and had a sense of pride.  It was so clean and fresh looking. I even framed some of my kids artwork.  I went into the bathroom to write on the mirror and all I could see were  food particles, I even tried to connect the dots to make a picture...it looked like an elephant....no clever saying needed for that........

Now, moving on to bird feeders...attracts birds that will sing... Also looking for Cake Boss to build me a life size ice cream cake that looks like my son playing baseball  for his birthday....He wants to have a party NOW!! and invite Mrs.Get-a-life's son....My son told me at his friends house, (you know the one that his mother didn't have time to plan), his mother made fun little ice cream sandwiches with choc sprinkles on the sides...Oh, Mom they were so good, she is such a good cook......"Son, you can get those at Wal-Mart already made."  This is what got him grounded again, "I saw her in the kitchen (like that is so foreign to him, seeing a woman in the kitchen cooking) making them".....really, my son, really, you're GROUNDED AGAIN!!!!! 
My Little "Keeping up with the Joneses" Nook...

Side Note:  Mrs. Get-A-Life is beautiful both inside and out, friendly, vivacious, organized, great mom,  loving wife, and child of God....Who wouldn't want to be her.  I am privileged to just to be friends with her.  She is a person you strive to be more like. Perfect, no way, she would tell you that, just trying to live right in an imperfect world....

Summer is over....go get your shoes on....

Summer is officially over and school has officially begun.  We have to go back to schedules, homework, stress, and shoes.  Yes, that's right, shoes.  My boys from an early age, never wanted to wear shoes, so, as a very laid back Mom, I didn't make them.  After all, I don't wear them myself.  As the boys grew up, they continued this process of not wearing shoes.  Even to play outside.  They would play ball outside and run over sweet gum balls to grab the ball and throw it.  OUCH...They would ride their bikes and not wear shoes. 

One year my youngest, Ryan, was playing baseball on his Little League team. He was and is a gifted baseball player.  He can field any ball that comes his way.  He can hit hard.  But then it  comes time to run.  It's like time just stopped.  He runs...no wait, is he running?.....oh....yeah, he's running.....SLOWLY!!!!  So, after the game I gave him all the positive confirmation needed, and then asked, "Honey, are your shoes too small, because it looked like you were having trouble running fast?"  Remember, I would see him playing baseball out in the front yard and no problem with the running there.....He looked at me with those beautiful green/blue eyes and tooth missing, and said, "Do you think the coach would have a problem if I took my shoes off to run the bases?"......"Yes, Honey, I think the coach would have a problem with you taking your shoes off."  We still are working on the shoe issue.

I miss my sweet boys when they go back to school.  For some reason, this year wasn't as sad.  I have been helping out at their school and actually worked the day they started, so it was great being there to watch them walk the halls with their new friends. 

All in all, this year is off to a great start.  They are both happy with their teachers, friends, rules, and schedules......The only problem is ........SHOES.......

Oh life would be so grand if we could walk through life without our shoes.  To feel the coolness of the sand, the hardness of the rocks, and the softness of the carpet.  But we need protection from the ugly elements of nails, splinters, or gum.  This sounds like such a life lesson, however, today, it's not.....It is simply the pure joy of not being bound up with cloth and laces.......

Today, I must wash those wonderful shoes.  Because we forget to wear socks and they stink.  Oh well, one thing at a time. We'll tackle wearing socks another day.  Today, we are happy in our shoes............

I've Been Stopped on a Dime

My summer lists are getting longer and my days are getting shorter.  I have been really getting so much done around the house.  Ryan comes in my room about a week ago and says he thinks something is wrong with his left nipple.  I am running about trying to get more accomplished that is humanly possible and he tells me whenever anything hurts, so I just shrugged it off as another thing that hurts and will go away. 

Last night, he went to Jim and told him the same thing.  Jim later comes in to the room I working in and tells me to make an appointment for the doctor to see this.  At that very moment, I stopped what I was doing and immediately went into my "panic cancer mode".....I am thrown into darkness where I can't focus on anything but that....The word just sends me back to the day when I heard this from my Mom.  Okay, so how much am I going to trust in God.  Have I really let go and let God.  Well, sadly, the answer is no.  Oh it sounds good to boast that I am a child of God and I have competely turned over my life to God.  But, God, you must understand, I will hold on to my children.  I MUST protect them.  EVEN FROM YOU!!  Believe me when I say those powerful words, I don't say them lightly....But it is obviously the way I feel right now.

Somehow the house, the job, the money issues, all of life's worries are quickly put on the back burner and my life is stopped on a dime.....I can only focus on this news.....I tend to watch every thing Ryan does, what he says......I feel the quilt of everything I did or didn't say to him up until this point.  Remember, this is not reality speaking....this is pure dark, ugly, useless fear speaking.  And no, I have not competely turned my back on God and cursed him for this.  We don't even know what this is....It could be nothing....it could be cancer.....but I do know this, apart from God, I won't survive it.....Because this I do know....God is good, all the time......and ALL the time, God is GOOD.....even when HIS plan isn't our plan....

For today, I have to wait.....I have to thank God for this and truly believe even this can bring Glory and Honor to His name.  But know this, my heart is broken today.  The fear of the unknown is so much worse than knowing.....I don't know how to cure unknown....

Thank you God, for loving us so much that you gave up your Son to die so that we might live.....Who better would know how I feel today than HIM.....

My precious Ryan, you are the sunshine in my life.....And I love you more than you will ever know.......

Packing away my baby

At a snail's pace, I am getting our house ready to sell.  This meaning I am cleaning out closets, painting walls, putting away personal items and deep cleaning.... all by myself.  Jim is overloaded with work, and the boys.....well, they are overloaded with play....  I am going so far as to vacuum under the heavy furniture.  I had many angry spiders coming out biting and screaming saying they had webs there for 15 years (that's how long we have lived in this house....) I am sure they are related to Charlotte, since they were able to talk to me.....
I finished Jonathan's room...wow....even made curtains and did some major "downsizing" ....he is down to a bed, chest of drawers and desk.....with one thing on his wall.  I am so excited with the outcome....
This week, however, has been a different story.  I moved into Ryan's room....Ryan's room had been both boys room since the day they were born.  As I covered up holes in the walls and ceiling I remembered why those holes were there.  The ceiling had big blow up balls in sports theme...Really looked cool.  I remember how much Jonathan loved it when I did that.  I had to take down the "glow in the dark stars", and remembered when Ryan wanted to turn the lights off during the day to see them....But was really excited at night when they shined....With every wipe of spackle I was reminded at how quickly that time had past.  And how I am preparing the walls for the next adventure.  Hopefully, it will be with another family that has kids that will make precious memories to one day wipe away.....I am so thankful I have these precious memories which I can go to anytime...like seeing my kids playing toys in that room....now, they study, sleep, talk to girls, and wrestle.....I love the stages I get to experience with my boys...but, I grieve for the time when they were young and around me all the time.....
The up side is, for today, Ryan's room is spider-web free and ready for him to come in and mess things up.....and I meant the Ryan, not the spider......I love my boys, spiders, not so much........

My Watercolored ponies are riding away

As I'm writing this, the last week of Jonathan's Middle School career is coming to a close.  Another chapter in his life is ending.  I remember like it was yesterday starting to panic a bit, wondering where Jonathan would end up going to Middle School.  As parents, we knew he couldn't continue in public school where we were living.  So, the search was on.  We visited several private schools.  And walked away with a feeling of being right where we started....square one.....Then one day, out of desperation, Jim suggested Brook Hill. Now, what I wanted to do first off was hit him.  How dare him waste our time.  That school is way to expensive and way to far to drive.  I had even been told they charge just to drive in their beautiful gates.  But being the obedient wife that I am or maybe just that I knew we were out of options, I gave in.  We went on a tour, fell in love, signed the contract....before I even knew what hit me.  Now three years later, I'm more in love with Brook Hill than ever. 

Brook Hill watched Jonathan........
*Get his heart broken for the first time by a girl.....
*Stand up against a bully only to become one of his friends.....
*Turn from a shy, quiet boy to a boy that walked across a stage as a female witch and a policeman in Music  Man
*Learn how to learn...How to study.....How to do homework....
*Confirm his calling to be used by God in any area seen fit....
*Improve in sports.....
*Have a "true" friend....
*Have to say goodbye to a "true" friend.....
*Go from a boy.....to a man....

These last few years I have watched drawings on my refridgerator replaced with RenWeb.... Bathtub toys replaced with hair gel and face products.  My heart hurts for the little boy lost.  I want so bad to hold his hand and continue to guide him. But it is becoming more and more obvious he is doing it on his own.  The way God designed it.....

I thank Brook Hill for making what is the worst time in a persons life (Middle School) some of the best times in Jonathan's life......

I don't know what the future holds for the Cox family at Brook Hill. But one thing I am certain, God has richly blessed us these past three years and I do know this, HE WILL bless us in the future. 

Funny thing, I have yet to be charged at Brook Hill for driving in the gates.......