Missing My Mom

Wishing you were somehow here again...wishing you were somehow near...sometimes it seemed, if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here...

Wishing I could hear your voice again...knowing that I never would...Dreaming of you won't help me to do All that I dream I could...

First, let me start off by posting a warning....I've had a somewhat stressful day.  So, I'm a bit emotional.  Today, we had to sign another note on our flip house, however, that's another blog: 
http://nessa-fabulousflip.blogspot.com/  To top it off, the school called to tell me my son is sick.  I'm on my way to the bank.  I have to sign the papers, so I tell the nurse I will be there shortly (yeah, shortly is 30 minutes away)...As I'm driving, with haste, to pick up my son, I'm listening to some songs I recently dumped onto my IPod.  The song playing was, Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again, from the Phantom of the Opera.  That song is about a grieving daughter that misses her Dad.  However, everytime I hear this, I think of my Mom.  See, it's days like today, I need my Mom.  I need to tell my Mom that I'm disappointed  that I still haven't finished this house.......I need her to hear me say, "Mom, I'm stressed."  Only to hear her say, "Nessa, you have way too much good to be stressed."  But most of all, I need her to know my kids and especially my husband.....
Funny, both of my boys would be SO much taller than her right now.  However, they would respect her.  She commanded respect while making you smile and laugh.   After spending time with my Mom you leave a better person. 
Tonight, my son is home alone while I take my other son to ball practice.  My husband is at a Board Meeting.  I hear other ladies saying, "My Mom is coming to get my child." or, "My kids are going to stay with my Mom."  Sometimes when I hear that I say to myself, it's just not fair.  My Mom was taken from me TOO early in life.  But as God does, HE gave me wonderful sisters that answer the phone when I call to say, "I am so disappointed that I'm not finished with my house." or, "I'm fat".....They, like my Mother, show me, like a Mother does, the positive things in my life to get me back on track.  The fat part.....I'm on my own.....

Thank you God for three wonderful sisters.  All competely different....But all the best I could ever ask for.  I only hope that on a bad day for them, I can be there with chocolates and a shoulder........

A picture is worth a thousand words...well, just one for me

 A picture is worth a thousand words

I have found the one and only word that fits the picture I see.... OUCH...That would be my heart breaking....

We are full speed ahead in school.  My baby is REALLY adapting to school both in academics and social...More social than academics...but that is another story....

On the first day of school a lady was taking random pictures of the kids and then they posted them on the school website.  Well, as I was looking through these pictures somewhat hoping to see my kids in one or two of the, I saw my baby in one of them.  More as a background.....Really not supposed to be in the picture at all.   And it absolutely stopped me in my tracks.  I saw first hand the way he must have been feeling that day.  Not knowing ANYONE...Sitting all alone while everyone around him was talking and having a good time.  That would include his older brother that dropped him when he saw all HIS friends.....I still have trouble when I see this picture because it takes me back to a day I would love to forget. The "first" day of school....where they leave me and spend all day at school....

So, today, two months after the start of school, we had a middle school meeting.  I'm sitting with two friends of mine each looking at our long list of items we wish to discuss with the principal.  He walks in and opens with a word of prayer...Smart man..."How to tame a bunch of angry moms?"....PRAY....how do you argue with God......

He opens his computer and starts a powerpoint on all the things we are going to discuss.  And there it was....The picture I have tried SO hard to get out of my head was staring my in the face the entire meeting.  Out of all the thousands of pictures he had to choose from, why that one......I found that I focused more on that sad face than the meeting itself. 

The saving grace is my son is now really loving school and surrounded by a lot of friends that he has a good time with.  Now, I have to try to forget that face I saw that day.  We all have days where we have to experience "first"....First day of school, first job, first apartment, first time we leave our Mom....etc....I do know that face will show up again ....However, the hardest thing for me is it will soon be the face without his mother picking him up at the end of the day.  He will all too soon be gone from me.  But for today.............I've gotta go break into the school and delete that picture from their database...I don't ever want to see that one again.....

Look at the kid behind the kid on the right...that is my son...looking straight ahead......

Happy Birthday My Son

My youngest son turned 12 years old yesterday.  As most of you are aware, he started Middle School this year, and I am not handling this very well.  I still want to drop him off every morning at his Elementary School, not at his Middle School where he suits out for football practice with the "big" boys......

So, I am shopping, looking for ideas for his big day....I was sad to walk through the "toy" isle and realizing we have moved away from that area also.  So, on to the "sporting" goods section.  I found a pellet gun he has been wanting...Actually, he wants a real rifle, however, inside the city limits is probably not a good place for "target" practice.  So, we are settling with pellet gun for right now.  My husband went with me...(a man thing, when purchasing a "man" toy)...We find one with a scope that will shoot both pellets and BBs.  Strong enough to hurt a squirel and cat....Cat lovers, please don't email me...I would never let him hurt a cat....That's my job....Again, just kidding....

We moved over to the shoe section.  He has been wanting some metal cleats for baseball and now he is allowed to wear them - another big boy thing.  I remember when my boys were little, we would go watch his cousins play "big boy" ball and they would be wearing those steel cleats. I couldn't wait for my boys to grow up and wear those just so I could hear them walk across the sidewalk with them on.  Now, I want more than anything to go back to the days when I was only dreaming of it and not having to live it......We found the very pair he wanted.....(clearanced, one pair left.....his size - can you believe it?)....anyway....

His (team) "pizza" party got cancelled because of the rain - we were supposed to play in a select baseball Super Series tournament this weekend.  So, again, I am feeling like I cheated him out of his birthday.  I am not good when it comes to parties.....So, he requested to go to a local restaurant with just family and celebrate. 

Another mile-stone accomplished today.  My baby is no longer running around with legos and big trucks in his hands....he is running around with a rifle, steel cleats and  a cell phone.  But the most precious gift I got was this morning....I fixed him breakfast and walked out of the room only to come back and not find him.... I looked outside and there he was eating his breakfast with rifle in hand....Just for a moment I got my baby back.  I looked to see his cell phone was inside on the table.  He didn't have it with him.  I just had to capture this moment, because these moments are going away like a page torn from a book. 

Happy 12th Birthday my Ryan-O-Bug.  I will never forget the day you came into this world.  I felt as though my life was complete.  And boy was I right.  He, along with his brother, really MAKE my life (and my wonderful husband's life) blessed. 

Now, gotta go hunt some cats........

My Most favorite Time of the Day

I love to wake up around 5:45 a.m., pour myself some coffee, go outside, and just sit and listen to....calm......

    Calm:  Freedom from motion or disturbance; stillness

With the start of school, there is NO time for calm....We get up, kicking and screaming, we throw on clothes, kicking and screaming, grab breakfast, backpacks, and uniforms, kicking and screaming, we get in the car and I throw them out the door at school...only to repeat this at 4:00p.m......

This morning I woke up sad.... sad because our night consisted of me absolutely losing my temper with my youngest son....I have been angry with him a lot, but last night was the worst......I even had to walk away for a moment..."They"  (you know the ones that know everything....love to know the genious who says this is true) say to walk away and count to 10 all while breathing.....okay, when I got to 1759 and still was mad, I decided I better walk back in to see where he wondered off to....There he was just sitting there, all the life was gone from his eyes.....There was absolutely NO calm in our house......

My 6th grader is having to adjust to a new chapter in his life.  It comes with going to a competely new school where he knows no one....He is having to keep up with a lot of different things, on top of having to remember ALL the homework assignments.  I know my baby, I know he is overwhelmed....The hardest thing I have to do is sit there and let him walk through this.....I want to pick up my 5'2 boy and hold him.....

So, this morning I went outside and stared at the moon.  What a wonderful gift from God that was truly needed.  A morning with a gentle cool breeze, moon shining down, and the start of daybreak, and a stillness.  No one up screaming, no one doing homework, no one forgetting books, no one texting....Just nice quiet calm.....

This gift was a lesson for me.  The dark night, to me, represents the struggle my son is going through, however, the moon is the light, which is from God, to know His ever presence....And the best part is the daybreak....the promise of better days......Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning.....I do know my son will come through this storm...I have an 8th grader that walked this very road and is well-adjusted...well, sorta, but that's another blog......

I gotta go hug two wonderful boys.......before they start the kicking and screaming!!!!!

If I Hear those words again.....

We have been in school now for two weeks today.....I have made "special" trips BACK to the school almost every day since school has started....No, these special trips are not those when they were in kindergarten and I would bring cute little snacks and a juice box topped with a homemade card that said, "I love you and miss you while you are at school." Oh wait, let me back up, as I was reminded by my "I'm smarter than you, sexier than you, and way better athletic than you" son that, "that statement is not correct, you didn't make a special trip back out to school the first day of school." Okay, more on that one later...And yes, by the way, he is grounded for life on that one.....

No, I make special trips because of one certain phrase, Mom, I forgot......Now, normally I could understand this statement. The school gives way to much homework, the binders are TOO big to ALL fit in their back-packs, so all the kids are carrying the overflow. BUT, before my car gets into gear, I am asking the question, "Do you have everything?" They respond, "Yes, we have everything." I'm not thinking that is good enough so I ask again, "Are you sure you have everything?" With attitude, I get, "GOSH, MOM, YES, WE HAVE EVERYTHING!!!!!" As I'm driving, I go down the list of classes and ask if we have everything needed for that class, they usually answer, yes, they have it....you know, with the same attitude.....

Oh no, it isn't until we have pulled into the driveway of our home 30 MINUTES.... away from their school, walked in the house, eating our snack, and pulling out homework for the night, that I hear the words, "Mom, I forgot"..............Fireworks exploding, bombs blasting, hair flying, head rolling, eyes turning red, green spewing from the mouth (all from me)....."I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD EVERYTHING, AND YOU SAID...WHAT?......WHAT DID YOU SAY?....WHAT?...WHAT DID YOU SAY?.....Yeah, I repeat to REALLY drive home what a loser they are at this point.....good mom...good mom....tears are starting to flow, mouth opened just right to get the "sad" affect...I shut it down like rain on a parade....Don't you even start crying now.....You will cry when you can't play video games this weekend.....

We both walk away feeling empty, sad, dumb, and mad.....All those emotions make for a BAD set up for doing homework. What you need to understand is my son is A.D.D. with dyslexic....And for two years we turned our car around and went back and got what he needed, or came back out to the school to bring what they forgot. And when we think it does them more harm than good to not have it, we bring it out to them. But we are trying to break that.....Like a bird that is attempting to throw their baby out of the nest to fly.....Yes, I hurt every time they have to be pushed out, but one day, I think I'll understand it's for the best...Today it hurts......

I hear these words repeated so many times, "One day, you won't ever have to be mad at them for forgetting." And yes, I get that...however, today I'm in the midst of the battle and I can't see the forest from the trees.....My goal is to have ONE day where we don't forget anything...the land of utopia....Oh, wait, that doesn't exist!!!!

Gonna be a long weekend...No video games, cell phones, T.V. for both of them....I better go pull out some fun crafts for us to do...That will teach them.....