I am a Girl.....

I am a girl that loves life.....I have a smile that lights up a room.....I am vivacious, intelligent, hardworking, and eager to help.....Teachers see this quality in me and sometimes take advantage of that....Knowing they can count on me to get the job done.....I am a girl who has a mom and a dad that would not only give you their shirt off their backs, but take you shopping to see to it that you have clothes for the rest of the week......I am a girl that wants to take my time growing up....I don't want boy problems.....I want to get to know my new friends.....I am a girl that wants to know, what is there not to love about me.......

I am a boy that loves life.....I have a smile that lights up a room.......I am vivacious, intelligent, hardworking....I am somewhat shy.....It takes some time for me to warm up to you, but when I do, I'm a good friend.....I have a big heart that loves Jesus and wants everyone else to love Jesus......I am a boy that knows I am not ready to start the "going out" with girls.....I'm just not ready....I enjoy playing around with my friends......I am a boy that wonders what is there not to love about me.....

•Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion ...

This is a definition of  bullying.........

So, please tell me when did this become okay?

Missing My Mom

Wishing you were somehow here again...wishing you were somehow near...sometimes it seemed, if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here...

Wishing I could hear your voice again...knowing that I never would...Dreaming of you won't help me to do All that I dream I could...

First, let me start off by posting a warning....I've had a somewhat stressful day.  So, I'm a bit emotional.  Today, we had to sign another note on our flip house, however, that's another blog: 
http://nessa-fabulousflip.blogspot.com/  To top it off, the school called to tell me my son is sick.  I'm on my way to the bank.  I have to sign the papers, so I tell the nurse I will be there shortly (yeah, shortly is 30 minutes away)...As I'm driving, with haste, to pick up my son, I'm listening to some songs I recently dumped onto my IPod.  The song playing was, Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again, from the Phantom of the Opera.  That song is about a grieving daughter that misses her Dad.  However, everytime I hear this, I think of my Mom.  See, it's days like today, I need my Mom.  I need to tell my Mom that I'm disappointed  that I still haven't finished this house.......I need her to hear me say, "Mom, I'm stressed."  Only to hear her say, "Nessa, you have way too much good to be stressed."  But most of all, I need her to know my kids and especially my husband.....
Funny, both of my boys would be SO much taller than her right now.  However, they would respect her.  She commanded respect while making you smile and laugh.   After spending time with my Mom you leave a better person. 
Tonight, my son is home alone while I take my other son to ball practice.  My husband is at a Board Meeting.  I hear other ladies saying, "My Mom is coming to get my child." or, "My kids are going to stay with my Mom."  Sometimes when I hear that I say to myself, it's just not fair.  My Mom was taken from me TOO early in life.  But as God does, HE gave me wonderful sisters that answer the phone when I call to say, "I am so disappointed that I'm not finished with my house." or, "I'm fat".....They, like my Mother, show me, like a Mother does, the positive things in my life to get me back on track.  The fat part.....I'm on my own.....

Thank you God for three wonderful sisters.  All competely different....But all the best I could ever ask for.  I only hope that on a bad day for them, I can be there with chocolates and a shoulder........

A picture is worth a thousand words...well, just one for me

 A picture is worth a thousand words

I have found the one and only word that fits the picture I see.... OUCH...That would be my heart breaking....

We are full speed ahead in school.  My baby is REALLY adapting to school both in academics and social...More social than academics...but that is another story....

On the first day of school a lady was taking random pictures of the kids and then they posted them on the school website.  Well, as I was looking through these pictures somewhat hoping to see my kids in one or two of the, I saw my baby in one of them.  More as a background.....Really not supposed to be in the picture at all.   And it absolutely stopped me in my tracks.  I saw first hand the way he must have been feeling that day.  Not knowing ANYONE...Sitting all alone while everyone around him was talking and having a good time.  That would include his older brother that dropped him when he saw all HIS friends.....I still have trouble when I see this picture because it takes me back to a day I would love to forget. The "first" day of school....where they leave me and spend all day at school....

So, today, two months after the start of school, we had a middle school meeting.  I'm sitting with two friends of mine each looking at our long list of items we wish to discuss with the principal.  He walks in and opens with a word of prayer...Smart man..."How to tame a bunch of angry moms?"....PRAY....how do you argue with God......

He opens his computer and starts a powerpoint on all the things we are going to discuss.  And there it was....The picture I have tried SO hard to get out of my head was staring my in the face the entire meeting.  Out of all the thousands of pictures he had to choose from, why that one......I found that I focused more on that sad face than the meeting itself. 

The saving grace is my son is now really loving school and surrounded by a lot of friends that he has a good time with.  Now, I have to try to forget that face I saw that day.  We all have days where we have to experience "first"....First day of school, first job, first apartment, first time we leave our Mom....etc....I do know that face will show up again ....However, the hardest thing for me is it will soon be the face without his mother picking him up at the end of the day.  He will all too soon be gone from me.  But for today.............I've gotta go break into the school and delete that picture from their database...I don't ever want to see that one again.....

Look at the kid behind the kid on the right...that is my son...looking straight ahead......

Happy Birthday My Son

My youngest son turned 12 years old yesterday.  As most of you are aware, he started Middle School this year, and I am not handling this very well.  I still want to drop him off every morning at his Elementary School, not at his Middle School where he suits out for football practice with the "big" boys......

So, I am shopping, looking for ideas for his big day....I was sad to walk through the "toy" isle and realizing we have moved away from that area also.  So, on to the "sporting" goods section.  I found a pellet gun he has been wanting...Actually, he wants a real rifle, however, inside the city limits is probably not a good place for "target" practice.  So, we are settling with pellet gun for right now.  My husband went with me...(a man thing, when purchasing a "man" toy)...We find one with a scope that will shoot both pellets and BBs.  Strong enough to hurt a squirel and cat....Cat lovers, please don't email me...I would never let him hurt a cat....That's my job....Again, just kidding....

We moved over to the shoe section.  He has been wanting some metal cleats for baseball and now he is allowed to wear them - another big boy thing.  I remember when my boys were little, we would go watch his cousins play "big boy" ball and they would be wearing those steel cleats. I couldn't wait for my boys to grow up and wear those just so I could hear them walk across the sidewalk with them on.  Now, I want more than anything to go back to the days when I was only dreaming of it and not having to live it......We found the very pair he wanted.....(clearanced, one pair left.....his size - can you believe it?)....anyway....

His (team) "pizza" party got cancelled because of the rain - we were supposed to play in a select baseball Super Series tournament this weekend.  So, again, I am feeling like I cheated him out of his birthday.  I am not good when it comes to parties.....So, he requested to go to a local restaurant with just family and celebrate. 

Another mile-stone accomplished today.  My baby is no longer running around with legos and big trucks in his hands....he is running around with a rifle, steel cleats and  a cell phone.  But the most precious gift I got was this morning....I fixed him breakfast and walked out of the room only to come back and not find him.... I looked outside and there he was eating his breakfast with rifle in hand....Just for a moment I got my baby back.  I looked to see his cell phone was inside on the table.  He didn't have it with him.  I just had to capture this moment, because these moments are going away like a page torn from a book. 

Happy 12th Birthday my Ryan-O-Bug.  I will never forget the day you came into this world.  I felt as though my life was complete.  And boy was I right.  He, along with his brother, really MAKE my life (and my wonderful husband's life) blessed. 

Now, gotta go hunt some cats........

My Most favorite Time of the Day

I love to wake up around 5:45 a.m., pour myself some coffee, go outside, and just sit and listen to....calm......

    Calm:  Freedom from motion or disturbance; stillness

With the start of school, there is NO time for calm....We get up, kicking and screaming, we throw on clothes, kicking and screaming, grab breakfast, backpacks, and uniforms, kicking and screaming, we get in the car and I throw them out the door at school...only to repeat this at 4:00p.m......

This morning I woke up sad.... sad because our night consisted of me absolutely losing my temper with my youngest son....I have been angry with him a lot, but last night was the worst......I even had to walk away for a moment..."They"  (you know the ones that know everything....love to know the genious who says this is true) say to walk away and count to 10 all while breathing.....okay, when I got to 1759 and still was mad, I decided I better walk back in to see where he wondered off to....There he was just sitting there, all the life was gone from his eyes.....There was absolutely NO calm in our house......

My 6th grader is having to adjust to a new chapter in his life.  It comes with going to a competely new school where he knows no one....He is having to keep up with a lot of different things, on top of having to remember ALL the homework assignments.  I know my baby, I know he is overwhelmed....The hardest thing I have to do is sit there and let him walk through this.....I want to pick up my 5'2 boy and hold him.....

So, this morning I went outside and stared at the moon.  What a wonderful gift from God that was truly needed.  A morning with a gentle cool breeze, moon shining down, and the start of daybreak, and a stillness.  No one up screaming, no one doing homework, no one forgetting books, no one texting....Just nice quiet calm.....

This gift was a lesson for me.  The dark night, to me, represents the struggle my son is going through, however, the moon is the light, which is from God, to know His ever presence....And the best part is the daybreak....the promise of better days......Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning.....I do know my son will come through this storm...I have an 8th grader that walked this very road and is well-adjusted...well, sorta, but that's another blog......

I gotta go hug two wonderful boys.......before they start the kicking and screaming!!!!!

If I Hear those words again.....

We have been in school now for two weeks today.....I have made "special" trips BACK to the school almost every day since school has started....No, these special trips are not those when they were in kindergarten and I would bring cute little snacks and a juice box topped with a homemade card that said, "I love you and miss you while you are at school." Oh wait, let me back up, as I was reminded by my "I'm smarter than you, sexier than you, and way better athletic than you" son that, "that statement is not correct, you didn't make a special trip back out to school the first day of school." Okay, more on that one later...And yes, by the way, he is grounded for life on that one.....

No, I make special trips because of one certain phrase, Mom, I forgot......Now, normally I could understand this statement. The school gives way to much homework, the binders are TOO big to ALL fit in their back-packs, so all the kids are carrying the overflow. BUT, before my car gets into gear, I am asking the question, "Do you have everything?" They respond, "Yes, we have everything." I'm not thinking that is good enough so I ask again, "Are you sure you have everything?" With attitude, I get, "GOSH, MOM, YES, WE HAVE EVERYTHING!!!!!" As I'm driving, I go down the list of classes and ask if we have everything needed for that class, they usually answer, yes, they have it....you know, with the same attitude.....

Oh no, it isn't until we have pulled into the driveway of our home 30 MINUTES.... away from their school, walked in the house, eating our snack, and pulling out homework for the night, that I hear the words, "Mom, I forgot"..............Fireworks exploding, bombs blasting, hair flying, head rolling, eyes turning red, green spewing from the mouth (all from me)....."I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD EVERYTHING, AND YOU SAID...WHAT?......WHAT DID YOU SAY?....WHAT?...WHAT DID YOU SAY?.....Yeah, I repeat to REALLY drive home what a loser they are at this point.....good mom...good mom....tears are starting to flow, mouth opened just right to get the "sad" affect...I shut it down like rain on a parade....Don't you even start crying now.....You will cry when you can't play video games this weekend.....

We both walk away feeling empty, sad, dumb, and mad.....All those emotions make for a BAD set up for doing homework. What you need to understand is my son is A.D.D. with dyslexic....And for two years we turned our car around and went back and got what he needed, or came back out to the school to bring what they forgot. And when we think it does them more harm than good to not have it, we bring it out to them. But we are trying to break that.....Like a bird that is attempting to throw their baby out of the nest to fly.....Yes, I hurt every time they have to be pushed out, but one day, I think I'll understand it's for the best...Today it hurts......

I hear these words repeated so many times, "One day, you won't ever have to be mad at them for forgetting." And yes, I get that...however, today I'm in the midst of the battle and I can't see the forest from the trees.....My goal is to have ONE day where we don't forget anything...the land of utopia....Oh, wait, that doesn't exist!!!!

Gonna be a long weekend...No video games, cell phones, T.V. for both of them....I better go pull out some fun crafts for us to do...That will teach them.....

I am jealous of "Together" People

Okay, our first week of school is about to come to a close....I have only been BACK to the school because of something forgotten maybe three times this week.....I yell, scream, and holler the whole way to school as I am reminding the boys, "you have got to do a better job at managing your time, and making sure you have everything so this doesn't happen again." I have had that conversation three times with them...I guess they are not hearing the "AGAIN" word.....

So, Tuesday was the start of football with full pads...Oh, and they have to be on the field at 7:45. Okay, stop there, I am a 1/2 hour girl....Which usually means, if it starts at 10, I'll fly in on two wheels around 10:30...So, we are up, breakfast will be eaten in the car (we have 30 minutes to kill), and there is plenty of time to gear up and be on the field by 8:15(see, 1/2 hour later)...Just kidding...

Okay, here is your visual for this morning.....

"LET'S GO WE ARE 30 MINUTES LATE (1/2 hour again) YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN TROUBLE......here they come walking like a turtle, with backpack open, papers flying, books scattered, milk spilling, and NO SHOES!!!!!

We finally get in the car, throw it in reverse and pull out....going down the road like a motor speed race...only this time we are dodging red lights and cops hiding......the boys are eating their wonderful homemade prepared nutritious breakfast....NOT...prepackaged, preservative overloaded breakfast bar that should keep them going...oh...until they get there...then they are depleted......When all of a sudden I hear, in his turtle voice, "MOM...................."yes, Jonathan, what do you want.....still speeding..the car not him......."I forgot my..........OH MY GOSH, TELL ME YOU DIDN'T (in a high pitch, glass shattering tone) JUST SAY I FORGOT!!!!! So, now Ryan, my one who just can't let ANYTHING pass (as long as it is not him in trouble), says, "Oh, great, here she goes again.......

Our car is pulling into our private school where we see all the little children neatly clothed, hair comb just right, even sprayed to show how much time they had to get ready....Teeth brushed (assumption,you know), and backpacks are zipped with all completed homework inside......And here we come...A lot like the Clampitts when they drove into Los Angles......
The boys are getting out, papers are literally flying everywhere, backpacks are wide opened still, the blue uniform shorts now have crumb droppings and spots of milk spillage on them....Hair is everywhere but in place....Teeth...never mind....mints will hide the stench of not brushing since school started....
And here she comes.....The perfect GIRL.... (another visual)...picture her walking slowly but with confidence....Her hair was so beautiful, teeth were white, her backpack was placed neatly beside her and her uniform didn't have a wrinkle in it.....

She backs up out of my way as to not get hit by my speeding car, and as the boys open the car door she says it.....
"Oh my, can I help you guys??" Okay, I'm gonna let my bad side out for just a minute, so if you think you might be offended by this, skip to the next paragraph....

Oh no she didn't just say that.....She's not happy.....That is what I say to everyone who has it all together...Shallow and lame, I know, however, hurt people, hurt people....and today I'm hurt and have the need to hurt somebody.....

She graciously bends down and picks up all the stuff that has fallen from the car, helps the boys ....yes, you heard me, BOYS, not one.....BOTH.....helps the carry what they can't, and off they go...well, my turtle is slowly catching up to them.....She then turns around, comes all the way back to the car and shuts the door that MY BOYS had forgotten to do..... I leaned over to her and said, "thank you, we had a stressful morning and aren't quite up to par." Like tomorrow was going to be any different.....She laughs and says, "that's okay, we have mornings like that." Really, cuz I'm thinking you don't......

As I'm driving off I'm thinking of ways we can do better and not have this happen again....The ONLY solution I could come up with is, we will drop off somewhere else so we don't see her.....Or she doesn't see us......

Summer '09

We have an annual "summer" dinner..fried green tomatoes, new potatoes, squash, okra, and cornbread

Ryan made All~Stars...That is him pitching....

July 4th Tea Party

I got to go to Gulf Port, MS and pick my sister and her family up and bring them home to Texas for a week....FUN TIMES.....

My Dad playing Wii Bowling...Now that was fun!! Memories

Summer Crawfish Boil....

Family Reunion

The girls sang for Aunt Barbara who is dying of cancer...Hard thing to do.....

Medieval Times with Mattie and Mandry...Oh and Jimmy and Amy










Yes, we are on T.V....note to self...NEVER go anywhere without makeup you NEVER know!!!!!!

Dirt racing...it's a lot of fun!!!!!!

BLACK hair....for two weeks....

Texas A&M to visit Kyle....we went to a Brazos Boomers Game...Kyle was working there....

















Late night schedule...Nanny....and eat snacks you see featured on Unwrapped....

Boys spend some time with Papaw and Meme...and yes, Prissy!!!!!

We traded both the black truck and my car for a new truck...

Skyvue for movies, eating pop~corn, drinking cokes...and staying there till 1 a.m.

watering the lawn...Kishka sun~bathing.....

Wisdom Teeth come out...He did AWESOME!!!!!

We took down our Caldwell sigh....That is sad!! We will miss Caldwell Elementary!!!!











Book closed on this summer.....Can't wait to see what new adventures await the Cox Family this Fall.....Stayed Tuned......

The End is here, once again...

Here it is, that dreaded time of Summers End...Time to once again replace flip-flops or better yet no shoes for, "Mom where are some socks".....Time to replace late night watching the Nanny and eating, to late night homework.......Time to replace waking up at day-break with my coffee and journal, to waking up the dead and getting them to school by 7:45.....Oh, I could go on, but I think you get the picture.....

This summer has been a weird one for us.....There were no expectations.....We didn't do anything "Big"....In fact, we really didn't do anything at all.....One really big thing for me was I woke up one morning early August and decided to Home school.....Now, that is a word we have heard in our house for many years....One thing I told my boys in May was if we don't sell our flip house or ware house, we will not be able to go back to the private school....Well, we haven't sold either one....However, God is so very good and some how has made a way for us to go....Now, not sure how we are going to pay for this because we haven't sold these two most money consuming items, but I have to let go and let GOD......I talked about homeschooling with my husband and he wasn't as excited as I thought he would have been....Don't get me wrong, he has wanted me to do this many times before....But looking back I NOW see why....I waited too late....They are not wanting to give up their "social" part of school.....So after three weeks of stressful home school vs. not......back and forth, we have decided to go ahead and continue with the private school.....Which means I have to go to work.....And I am okay with that...Hard thing is figuring out what it is I want to do.....

So, I'm sitting here on our last day of summer and my "to do" list is SOOO long, I know this day will fly by.....I suddenly feel the urge to have my house spotless before tomorrow...Not sure why, it is hardly ever clean....But I feel if your house is in order, every thing just falls into place....That is one area I would LOVE to change....I even have a folder labeled "organize" with many great ideas on how to get there and stay there.....but, I don't do it.....Fly Lady needs to come visit me again.....

It has been a pretty good summer....My sister and her family came for a visit...That is always a highlight......And mostly just hung out...Doing nothing...And sometimes, nothing is good....Because I feel our lives are about to get really busy....and I am quickly getting less and less of my children....Now that breaks my heart......Maybe I should start a new folder labeled, "how to let go"......

So, I will go and start my last day....I will soak up all the time with my precious boys....and I can bet you, tomorrow there will be an ache in my heart....My boys will be away from me and a part of me will hurt...I will stay busy to try to make that clock tick a bit faster.......And I'll try to make small talk with my precious husband who is just as emotional as I am about this dreaded day......and come 3:30, I will be so happy to be picking up my very tired boys to come home and start homework.......Wishing for summer all over again....

Can I get off this roller coaster...PLEASE

Okay, from my last post, I have changed my hair color back to more of a red tint...I got so tired of hearing my boys call me "goth mom" or witch mom, And I didn't feel good about myself...It was just too dark....They say that you should not go quite so dark as you get older because your wrinkles show more...Yeah, bout that...my boys point those out EVERY time we are together....
The worse one is the arms....I'm not a big person, however, you would think I have the biggest "granny" arms..that's what we call them....Someone, over night, came in my house and put them in my arms....I can't get rid of them.....Okay, maybe I'm not trying real hard to do this...the mid-night milkshakes, fresh french bread, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and worse homemade ice cream probably doesn't help.....

The boys have decided to not home school. They want to go be with their friends....I totally understand that...Not sure where the money is going to come from....Until we sell our flip house ( http://nessa-fabulousflip.blogspot.com/ )and the ware house (that's another story)...money is TIGHT!!!! So, we are going to sign the contracts today....I have such mixed emotions about this...I have always wanted to home school....And I know my window of opportunity is closing...I wanted to tackle this for one year, however, I waited to late...My boys are to old at this point....And it would be difficult...I see what they are learning these days...WOW!!! Am I smarter than a 5th grader....No, don't think so.....
I just think it would have been neat to have them home..I think I'm thinking through the eyes of Hollywood...where life is perfect...my boys would wake up, eat breakfast, do their chores, open their books and life would be so grand.....Real world.........forcing them to wake up around 11, yelling at them about 10 times just to eat breakfast, the constant fighting....yeah, I better wake up!!!! So, the job hunt is on.... (http://jobsearchmakesmystomachhurt.blogspot.com/ )

I have one more week with them. One more week of no schedules, no homework till 11:00, no drama from school, no more sleeping in and staying up late, no more The Nanny (don't ask).....Why oh way do I dread it so much....

Black Hair~Pick-up Truck~ & Home School

No this is not my mid~life crisis...And no, I'm not losing my mind....I have really been thinking this summer....I am closing a chapter of my life and it is really hard!!! I love being a Mom....I love my kids and love spending time with my kids...In fact, I would rather be with my kids and husband than with anyone else (other than sisters) I loved it when they were young and we didn't have the stress of schedules, school, heartaches, and life in general....

This has really been a hard summer....As I have said many times I still have the flip~house and the ware house that are not ready to sell....And school is just around the corner...In fact, today is August 1....We don't have the money to spend on vacations....All our time and money needs to go towards these two things....So, part of me is feeling guilty.....

I woke up one morning not to long ago and thought about what it would be like to home school the boys.....We could travel when we wanted to...It would only be for one year, we would save a lot of money on tuition, I would have my boys, We could learn at the pace they needed, less stress, no late night homework!!!!!! Many other reasons....

Then, I started thinking about Jonathan not getting to play football possibly for the last time, it's his 8th grade year~king of the school, he would miss his friends, Ryan wouldn't get to go to Brook Hill like he has wanted to for two years, and the biggest one....What if I failed at this......I defeat myself every time!!!

We sat down as a family and talked about this and the boys really want to go to Brook Hill....So, in our hearts, we know that is probably where they need to be....So, in two weeks, I will send my boys to school, hit the job market hard to find a job and hope I have flexible hours to be able to be with the boys when needed, and miss them like crazy!!!

Now, the pick~up....in order to shave off some debt, I traded my car and my husbands truck for a brand new Dodge Ram Hemi.....I can't believe I'm gonna be driving a truck....Actually, I'm okay with it...I love driving trucks...In case you don't know me, I am truly country....I walk around the house bare foot but not pregnant....

Finally, Black hair....I have been coloring my hair for some time now and last year I colored it a red tent....I actually really liked it and got several compliments on it...well, it was time to cover the roots, and wanted to make my husband happy (he likes my hair natural whatever that means) so I decided to go darker..only it went BLACK...I look like a 40 year old :) Gothic witch.....It is scary!!! I called Clairol's 800 hot line and she told me what to do...I would have to apply two applications....one of them being blond...I got scared...who are these "hot line" people? Do they really know what they are talking about, or are they just sitting there selling insurance or snuggies also......Needless to say, I am still dark...really dark...My husband really likes it...

I guess the best thing is...I can stalk someone right now....I have jet black hair and a new truck...No one will know me now!!!

I'm gonna go now and spend the remaining two weeks laughing, playing, eating, and just being with my wonderful boys.....And the love of my life.....

I've got a pretty good life.....

Dirt Racing

Okay, my husband and I agreed this was the summer to get rid of debt. We have a Warehouse and fliphouse that have got to get sold or we possibly won't be able to go back to our private school. So, here it is end of July and we are still sitting on them. Not ready to be put on the market. To say the least, I am sick with worry. I have now got to get a job.... that is another post...(http://jobsearchmakesmystomachhurt.blogspot.com/)

So, Saturday we worked at the flip house ( http://nessa-fabulousflip.blogspot.com) all day, came home, got ready, and drove to Winona to the Texas Dirt Motorplex. Now, I am not upper crust of society, but, these people are truly a different breed. But, since I was there and loved it, I guess you can put me in that category now. I kept saying to myself, "you might be a red-neck if......"

We saw several races. Saw lots of wrecks. And just had lots of fun. The best part really wasn't where we were, but that we were...together....I love our time together and as I put in my job hunting blog. It is like I never have to grow up when we are together. We just laugh and have a wonderful time....

It may not be a weekend at the tropics, or a week in San Antonio, but for a short time, in our little metal seats with red dirt and cars flying all around, we were in heaven......