I've Been Stopped on a Dime

My summer lists are getting longer and my days are getting shorter.  I have been really getting so much done around the house.  Ryan comes in my room about a week ago and says he thinks something is wrong with his left nipple.  I am running about trying to get more accomplished that is humanly possible and he tells me whenever anything hurts, so I just shrugged it off as another thing that hurts and will go away. 

Last night, he went to Jim and told him the same thing.  Jim later comes in to the room I working in and tells me to make an appointment for the doctor to see this.  At that very moment, I stopped what I was doing and immediately went into my "panic cancer mode".....I am thrown into darkness where I can't focus on anything but that....The word just sends me back to the day when I heard this from my Mom.  Okay, so how much am I going to trust in God.  Have I really let go and let God.  Well, sadly, the answer is no.  Oh it sounds good to boast that I am a child of God and I have competely turned over my life to God.  But, God, you must understand, I will hold on to my children.  I MUST protect them.  EVEN FROM YOU!!  Believe me when I say those powerful words, I don't say them lightly....But it is obviously the way I feel right now.

Somehow the house, the job, the money issues, all of life's worries are quickly put on the back burner and my life is stopped on a dime.....I can only focus on this news.....I tend to watch every thing Ryan does, what he says......I feel the quilt of everything I did or didn't say to him up until this point.  Remember, this is not reality speaking....this is pure dark, ugly, useless fear speaking.  And no, I have not competely turned my back on God and cursed him for this.  We don't even know what this is....It could be nothing....it could be cancer.....but I do know this, apart from God, I won't survive it.....Because this I do know....God is good, all the time......and ALL the time, God is GOOD.....even when HIS plan isn't our plan....

For today, I have to wait.....I have to thank God for this and truly believe even this can bring Glory and Honor to His name.  But know this, my heart is broken today.  The fear of the unknown is so much worse than knowing.....I don't know how to cure unknown....

Thank you God, for loving us so much that you gave up your Son to die so that we might live.....Who better would know how I feel today than HIM.....

My precious Ryan, you are the sunshine in my life.....And I love you more than you will ever know.......

Packing away my baby

At a snail's pace, I am getting our house ready to sell.  This meaning I am cleaning out closets, painting walls, putting away personal items and deep cleaning.... all by myself.  Jim is overloaded with work, and the boys.....well, they are overloaded with play....  I am going so far as to vacuum under the heavy furniture.  I had many angry spiders coming out biting and screaming saying they had webs there for 15 years (that's how long we have lived in this house....) I am sure they are related to Charlotte, since they were able to talk to me.....
I finished Jonathan's room...wow....even made curtains and did some major "downsizing" ....he is down to a bed, chest of drawers and desk.....with one thing on his wall.  I am so excited with the outcome....
This week, however, has been a different story.  I moved into Ryan's room....Ryan's room had been both boys room since the day they were born.  As I covered up holes in the walls and ceiling I remembered why those holes were there.  The ceiling had big blow up balls in sports theme...Really looked cool.  I remember how much Jonathan loved it when I did that.  I had to take down the "glow in the dark stars", and remembered when Ryan wanted to turn the lights off during the day to see them....But was really excited at night when they shined....With every wipe of spackle I was reminded at how quickly that time had past.  And how I am preparing the walls for the next adventure.  Hopefully, it will be with another family that has kids that will make precious memories to one day wipe away.....I am so thankful I have these precious memories which I can go to anytime...like seeing my kids playing toys in that room....now, they study, sleep, talk to girls, and wrestle.....I love the stages I get to experience with my boys...but, I grieve for the time when they were young and around me all the time.....
The up side is, for today, Ryan's room is spider-web free and ready for him to come in and mess things up.....and I meant the Ryan, not the spider......I love my boys, spiders, not so much........