Summer's Past

Time for School....A time for us to wake up before the birds, eat breakfast in the car, scream a thousand times for the boys to brush their teeth.......How many days until summer??? Our late night watching the Olympics is replace with late night homework....Football, baseball, drama at school, football games, homecoming, TAKS, A.R.!!!!! OH MY
Sadly, the boys flip flops are being replaced with school shoes WITH SOCKS!!! Means more washing....beach towels replaced with back packs....shirts and gym shorts replaced with uniforms neatly tucked in ......sorta....
Now I have to ask, how do single working Mom's do it all? They are my hero's!!! I make a promise to myself every year around August to be more organized....The Walton's, Brady Bunch, My Three Son's, Leave it to Beaver....they did us NO favors!!! How is it that Momma Walton got up and had a three course breakfast for ALL three thousand of her children BEFORE school!!! I really attempt to be like that....Like June Cleaver, on Leave it to Beaver....Have you ever seen her dinner's??? Makes me hungry every time I watch them....So, what do I do, I put on my pearls and go to the freezer and realize it takes longer than 30 minutes to cook a meal that is FROZEN!!! So, I get out the frozen dinners and pop them the microwave and put them on our plates and fill the glasses with water and we all sit down to a wonderful burnt on the outside, frozen on the inside T.V. dinner...Only to have my boys laugh at me and ask why I'm wearing pearls with shorts and a tee shirt!!!
I have gone so far as to join Fly Lady!! It's a wonderful website for woman that need help organizing everything in their life.....I don't need help, I NEED someone to do it for me....I had to quit when I felt so much guilt from not being able to do the house work from ALL the emails you get from them.....I really buy into what they say about having a clean sink every night before you go to bed....so, I move all the dirty dishes over to the counter next to the sink....Might even get lucky and one of the dogs will lick the remaining dinner stuck on the dishes....less to do for me......
Gotta go, I think I need to join fly lady again and see what she wants me to do today....I'll bet I was supposed to already have made my bed...Oh, well, there's always tomorrow, besides I gotta sleep in it tonight.... one less thing on my list.....I think I'll go watch Mission Organization.....see what they have to offer me.....it's like watching an exercise video....you wish you were doing it....but not bad enough to actually do it......
Happy school year everyone....may your days be filled with papers, homework, schedules, sleepy heads, stress, and so on......so that you can fill the ever present "I'm about to blow" scenario I experience every day of the school career!!!!

Summer Expectation

An expectation, which is a belief that is centred on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

I'm sitting here at my computer at midnight wondering where my summer went. I had so many plans......so many expectations..... I look outside and see three bikes shinning in the moon light, and it stings. I expected all three of us to ride every day....just like we did last summer....we would ride in the morning, after breakfast, and every evening when it cooled down....We didn't ride at all this summer....I got the bikes out but never rode them...now they sit...

I look at the pool we had so much fun putting sand under neath...Jim making sure it was competely level....going over it with a 2x4...adding sand where it needed it and taking away where it was too much....I see the make shift net Ryan put together where we all could play water volleyball...the pool is full of leaves, the net is dangling and the water is slowly draining out...I will have all the water out soon and fold it up to put away.... forever....It became real obvious this summer that my oldest son, Jonathan, grew up at school this past year...things he loved to do with his younger brother seem too immature for him today.....I looked out a lot and saw Ryan swimming by himself...Jonathan said he got bored with it.....

Every year at the end of the school year we make out a "to do list for the summer." I'm looking at that list sitting on the table with one or two check marks on it....Expectation....I expected to do more.....It's like if I don't have a minute by minute itenary for my kids, I feel as though I let them down....Like summer camp all summer long....I set my standards so high that there is no way to reach them......

The bitter sweet to this summer is knowing my boys are growing up....just like the "season" of summer is over and I can see physically the painful reminders of it...all too well the "season" of my boys childhood is coming to a close....They are growing up...no longer wanting to play forts, swim in a blowup pool, stay outside all day and come in with dirt all over them with red faces from the heat...

Jonathan starts back to school tomorrow...Already my heart hurts.....I know he is in the next room doing the very thing I told him to try NOT to do and that is to stay awake thinking about tomorrow....and here I sit at my computer....thinking about tomorrow.....how much I don't want him to get hurt, fail a test, not have friends, not have a homecoming date, not get to play football, or not understand an assignment......I know some of these things will happen......I expect it to happen, however, I also KNOW a lot of surprises will come our way......

I better go to bed and try to get some sleep before tomorrow morning......One thing is for certain....Jonathan is very much loved by his Mom and his Dad.....well, and his brother......Ryan. He is the one that will be hard to deal with tomorrow....he will REALLY miss Jonathan when he is at school......I guess the sooner we start back to school.....the sooner we get out.......

The Application

well, today, we did it....Jim and I filled out the 5 bizillion pages of a loan application to purchase a house to flip....I am so very excited...I just want to get to the "staging" part of the house!! Where I get to work my magic and make it shine!!! However, lots of work to do before then.....painting, caulking, tape/float, texture, oh my.....too much....cabinets, plants......I'm needing a nap just thinking about this....
I have wanted this for the longest time ever....I have had my hopes up for this and let down so many times, I'm afraid to even think about it.....But, to not think about it is impossible!!!
When Jim left to take the papers to the bank, the boys and I gathered around in a "prayer" circle and prayed for God's will to be done...because without it...don't want it......After I was praying, Jonathan looked at me and said, you're getting a job???? He thinks Mom is going to make lots of money...sorry, son...no Wii yet!! Gotta sell it first.....well, got to get it first...then fix up and then sell, then maybe a Wii......
We are supposed to find out tomorrow.....WHAT??? Can't you take the papers and look over then now!! Don't you understand this is a longtime dream of mine??? How dare you wait until tomorrow......
I'll update the results tomorrow.......until then....anticipation!!!!!!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.....I just posted this wonderful blog about my son and I saw the date....MY ANNIVERSARY!!!! And I"M A WOMAN!!!! This day....let's see was it 17 years ago or 18??? Does it really matter...once you've attempted to eat that freezer burn yellow frosting (used to be white) icing, isn't it okay to celebrate anytime????

James Cox, my forever friend.....I have never in my life seen two people perfectly matched.....God knew we needed each other. I have never in my life loved someone as much as I do Jim. He still makes me laugh so much....I love going on dates with him just to sit and talk W/O boys!!! Not to mention he is STILL the sexiest man alive.....

He truly brings out the best in me...and trust me....one hysterectomy and several failed attempts at proper hormones later.....that ain't easy.....He is my biggest cheerleader....If I had 1/4 the confidence he had in me, you wouldn't be able to stop me....

I can not imagine my life anywhere else than right here right now going to the "drive-in" tonight with the kids...Jim's idea....we're going to see a double feature......If the mosquitoes don't take us first...

You might be asking yourself, why don't they celebrate just the two of them....well, we do....The first thing we do is thank God every morning for each other. Second, live our lives as if we just got married...that is the only way for a marriage to survive....You HAVE to see the POSITIVE in them.....and dwell on those....Trust me, there are negatives.....let's see....wait....this is a positive note....
Bottom line, I love him.....He loves me....end of question..

Thank you Mr. Jim Cox for letting me proudly carry your name and have two out of the four of your precious children... I am truly blessed.....
Love will be our home!!!!

My Knight and Shinning Boy

Let me start out by saying, other than God and my wonderful husband, I love my two boys more than anything. And, I love them equally. With that said, Ryan, my youngest, is just about to turn 11. He is cool, well liked by his peer with a great sense of humor...He reminds me a lot of Randy on Tool Time.....Lately, Mom is the brunt of most of his jokes....I am probably an easy target.....
Friday, Ryan and I were at Target in Longview waiting on Jonathan to get finished with a lesson. We were just basically killing time. Secretly, I think he loves to shop. He is good about helping me pick out the right shirt, if I just show him two and move on to his stuff.....So, at Target I started not feeling very well, so I went to the bathroom and starting blacking out. I couldn't see anything. I felt like I was going to faint or throw up. So, I managed to pull myself together and walk out of the bathroom and wishpered to Ryan that I was getting sick and we had to go. He looked up at me and said, Mom, put your hand on my shoulder and I will help you to the car." Immeditely, my mind went back to when he was a baby and ANYTIME he saw me, he ran towards me. I have many video's where I have had to not let him see me so that I could get some footage without holding him. He loves his Mom very much. It's just that recently showing your Mom how much you love her isn't so cool. But not today. I proudly put my hand on his shoulder and we walked together. I kept saying I was sorry for all this and he would just say, "why do you keep saying you are sorry, it's not your fault."
I know all too soon, as it is supposed to be, Ryan will give his heart to another woman. I also KNOW that he will offer his shoulder for her to lean on....I will hunt her down and kill her.....oh, sorry, got a tad bit emotional for a second......No, I will love her as long as she loves my son.....
But NOTHING, not even a girl, will ever take the memory of yesterday.
Oh how I love my Ryan-O boy!!!!

Changes

tonight, I am sitting at my computer writing this blog with a heart that hurts VERY much!! Jonathan and I packed our bags and drove to College Station to help Kyle move into his new apartment this weekend. I felt a tugging at my heart all day Saturday knowing Kyle was packing up basically, his life and moving to a new place. He has been at that home since the day he was born. Now memories of 21 years of his life pack up, boxed up, and loaded up in a U-Haul trailer. The one thing he couldn't pack up was his dog of 16+ years, who, I might add, sleeps with Kyle every night. Kyle is the one that gets up during the middle of the night and takes him out. According to Vickie, he picked Rowdy up and carried him around the house until he left.
We had a busy day unpacking his life and setting up house for him. A lot of laughter, and just hanging out.....Then, today, we had to say goodbye. I drove out of the parking lot and cried for a while....I am sad knowing Kyle won't be at home every night. I didn't see him a lot at home, but there is comfort in knowing everyone is where they need to be when it's bed time. Now, his home is somewhere else. Nothing could prepare me for what would happen tonight after I got home.

I had a missed call from Vickie. Now, I knew she was calling to tell me they had told Kyle bye. However, I didn't think I would hear the utter brokenness in her voice.... I knew that her heart was completely ripped out tonight and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do the help ease the pain. So, we cried together. I called Kyle to check on him and heard him tell me how he had set up his new house. I wanted to get into my car and go get him right then!! But then I knew, tomorrow would come and he would have to go back.

See, it all comes down to change. I hate it. Don't do it, don't want to do it. That is why my stomach starts hurting the first time I see a "Back to School" commercial, boarding my dogs for a week, someone moving, it all has to do with " changes"..... I like things to stay the same. Yes, I might get bored, however, my heart would not hurt as much!!!

I know Kyle is going to do great!! He is where Kyle Shipp needs to be tonight...He has wanted to go to A&M since he was a little boy. Now, he is there. From this moment on, we have to learn to let go and let him fly....But my part is to be there to just comfort Vickie and Howard as they release him.........If I had it my way, we would all live on the land together...no one could leave, and they would have to marry women and men that would be opened to stay with us forever....no one leaves....EVER......How's that for healthy issues!!!........ Tonight, I think I'll go sit with my boys a while and just hold them...Because in the near future, I too will be driving home with my heart broken because I just had to release one of my own......Unless I can convince them both to go to our local college!!!!

Recliner

Today, Jim took my green recliner to Kyle. He is taking it to college with him. I was sad to see it go. No, not the recliner. I am not into material things. It was the memory of the green recliner. The reminder of just how much of my life is gone. Jim bought that chair for me when Jonathan was born. I have sat many nights in that chair feeding both boys and rocking them back to sleep. Thinking to myself will they ever grow up. Now, I am moving the chair out, 13 years later, and thinking, where did all the time go?

When you stop to think about it, the chair has a life of it's on. What memories will Kyle have with it? I do know this, he will get rid of it one day and when he does, he will stop and reflect on all the times he had in college with the green recliner.....