My Heart is Broken

My emotions are raw.  I can no longer shed a tear....there are none left.  As most people know, it doesn't take me long to get there. This is the time of the year I hate the most...It ranks up there with Dentist, mammograms, gynecologist, and work........

My oldest son, Jonathan, has been struggling with his school for about two years and last year he made the decision to leave.  He visited another school (at the peak of his unhappiness with his current school at the time when most anything looked better to him) and LOVED it.  Loved the people, loved the fact that he could play basketball (which is all he really wants to do), loved the "fresh" start. 

Summer came and we no longer remembered all problems the old school brought him.  In fact, he started hanging out with some friends from there.  The whole time I'm thinking, "Oh goodness, this is going to be  hard for him to not go back." But again, his decision. 

First day of school.  I am pretty sure there were some pretty high expectations placed on this new school.  After all, perception is ALWAYS better than reality.  If that weren't so, Hollywood wouldn't be full of millionaires.  We buy into the notion that the grass is truly greener on the other side.  All I hoped was for him to find "his place".  I'm not going to lie, when he didn't put on his uniform for school (like he had been wearing since the 6th grade), I got a small ache in my heart.  It seemed weird.  We dropped him off, and waited with great anticipation all day to hear how wonderful it was. 
Got a text from him it said, "can't find my backpack."  This is nothing new with us.  We truly expect to loose things throughout the year.  He comes out to the car.  As his mother, I can read immediately my kids by their demeanor.  And I knew immediately it was NOT the day we had all hoped for. He told me everything that was wrong about it, that he had made a big mistake leaving his old school.  So, calmly, I had to remind him of all the reasons he left.  How he felt when he had made that decision, and that his best friend is "time".....He thought he was going to go there and everyone was going to embrace him and he would find friendship immediately.  Now, in reality, I think he will.  It will take some time.  I took him shopping, hoping to lift his spirits. That didn't help, so the next best thing.....Let him sleep.  He didn't sleep at all the night before, so I knew he was tired.  He came home, got in bed, and slept for several hours......

TODAY!!!  Ryan's first day.....He is returning to the school Jonathan had been going to.  He got dressed in his chapel clothes.  Now, he didn't have to be at school until 9....Jonathan was already gone.....It came time for pictures....There Ryan was...all alone.....For 13 years they have ALWAYS been together for First Day school pictures....They went to Mother's Day Out together, they went to Elementary School together, they went to Middle school together.....But High school....they are not together......If it hadn't been for us being so late...(there's a shocker) it would have really gotten to me....but I set that emotion aside and went on.....Drove Ryan to school and had to go into the school to  return something....I walked in and saw some of Jonathan's classmates and he wasn't with them..... I managed to stay calm and collected until I reached my car, shut the door, and LOST it!!! I cried all the way home.......A good cleansing of the eyes kind of cry......

There standing at the end of the driveway was my wonderful Knight in shining armor husband holding roses and cards in his hands......Now, I always LOVE seeing my husband....but today.....He was a much needed hug!!!  The reason for the flowers.....It's just our 20th Anniversary!!!! Why did we pick this date......Did no one with children try to tell us it's not a good time to get married.....Would we have listened anyway.....??????????????

Just another day in the life of a Mother of Boyz...............