Welcome Back Mom

This Christmas came and went and I just realized I didn't think of my mother once. In fact, I can't remember the last time I thought about her. Am I that busy? Or, is she boxed up in a chapter of my life that doesn't exists any longer. But today, I am here cleaning, playing music in the background and I heard the song, A Change of Heart, by Paul Cardall. I wasn't impacted by the title until I wrote it down.
I remember my mom lying in her bed during her final days, I would rub her head to calm her and with tears streaming down my face, I made a promise to her in my head, I would never forget her, I would think of her in my every day life. But as time always does, it pushes us forward with new adventures and trials. You find your life much too busy to just sit. Until you finally realize, many years have come and gone.
Just when I feel a sense of guilt for not recollecting my mom in my everyday life, I see her wherever I look. I see her in the beauty of my eldest sister. I see her in the sensitivity of my next to eldest sister. I see her in the humor of my third eldest sister. I see a glimpse of her in each and every one of my nieces and nephews.
Jesus took my mom from me to her forever home much too soon, but true to HIS promise, HE will never leave thee nor forsake thee. HE gives me gracious reminders of my mom each and everyday. I just have to be still long enough to sense them. It is no different with HIM.
Thank you Jesus for giving me such an incredible Mom. And for hope and strength. Because today, I miss her.

HE really is our refuge and strength.....

Friday was the last appointment with the different doctors to plot out our plan.  This was the chemo Doctor.  We told him about the website where you can plug in your numbers and it tells you the longevity of you based on your cancer.  Jim's was 15 yrs.  I was sorta okay with that but not what I would have ever imagined.  This doctor didn't agree.  He said based on what he saw, that number is way too high.  As this man is talking, I can see my hero just sitting there stunned.  It was as if the life had literally been taken from him.  I could physically feel my heart break.  I'm sure Jim is thinking through the monetary process of taking care of me after he's gone.  I'm only thinking I can't live without him.  He is truly my everything.  I don't make any decisions without this man.  Not because I'm not capable, because I want it that way.  

We rock along the weekend, work on the rv to get it ready to move down to cstat with our boys, but it is there....The big elepant....That stupid elephant has been in our lives since May.  It's the presence of cancer.  You want to talk about it, but then again if you do, it because real.  So you put it in the back of your mind to have it come back in the darkest of night.....This was supposed to be the fun time of our lives....The boys are gone....We have devoted our lives to those boys....now they are gone, we were supposed to enjoy our time.....Not going from one doctor to another....Not to mention the expense of it all...There went our cruise.....

So this morning I found a book a dear friend gave me when Jim had his surgery....I opened it up with a attitude and found this verse as the devotional.....God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1.......The feeling that came over me as I read this verse was like when you get in a fight with your husband and he comes to you later and says he is sorry.....I felt like a security blanket had just be placed over my entire body.  I had run away from God the last few weeks because HE wasn't healing Jim like I thought He should have.  It basically said God will take you bout of the trouble you are in but only after you have stopped worring and become calm and quiet.  He uses trouble to teach His children precious lessons.  He regards them not as difficulties but as opportunities.....

Regardless of if Jim get healed here on earth or not, can't determine my retaliationship with GOD.  I can't go through life without HIM.  I feel like a new person when I get back on track.  Who knows what opportunity HE has for us after this is all over.  

I am determined that through the storm I will remain ever faithful.....

For Better or Worse....In Sickness and in Health.....I'll follow you whatever.....

I remember on August 15, 1992, I stood in front of friends and family in my beautiful white wedding gown and vowed to love Jim in sickness and in health....

Now, honestly at that age, I wanted to believe I knew what that meant.  I watched my Dad love my mom durning her three grueling years of cancer.  He never drew weary of loving and caring for her.  I remember them sitting in the recliner together....

Now as an adult, I know they must have sat there cherishing that moment as if it were probably their last.  I just thought it was cute. It was a love I longed for one day.....

Now, here I am sitting in our recliner with the love of my life, wondering why, of all the people in the world, he got picked to have cancer.  We had so many plans to just be spontaneous, like we were before we had kids, and just travel....

Today, we went back to the doctor to get the catheter out...finally...While we were there, I had to know why we haven't gotten the  pathology report. I can't truly breathe until I know we are free and clear.  I knew way in the back of my mind we wouldn't be completely clear, his numbers were too high, but I wanted to believe it......Sure enough, there was "positive margins", foreign numbers I didn't have a clue what they meant, and metastatic carcinoma....what in the world does all that mean.....Well, means we are not done with this war yet.  We have yet another battle to fight.  We go back to the Doctor on Tuesday to let him tell us what our next battle is....

I got mad, I got sad, I got jealous of all the people walking around laughing, planning trips, being on trips, eating out as if nothing was bothering them.  I'm on the computer researching these medical words and what to do next.  My favorite thing to do when I need to just think is to mow...My family loves when I get stressed....means they don't have to mow.....

As the mower is spitting grass out and looking fresh, I thought about Jim, I remembered our wedding day, I remembered all the good times, I remembered how many times a day he makes me laugh. I remembered I made a promise to love this man regardless of what hits us.....As my mower was running and I was lost in the songs I was listening to, my eye caught this beautiful sight....

Jim sitting at our kitchen table as he does a lot....working.....I watched him for a good while....suddenly I didn't feel cheated out of not having the summer of our dreams...I felt an overwhelming sense of love for this fighter...We are in this thing called life together, on good days and on bad days....Waking up everyday with this man is a good day no mater in sickness or in health........

Thank you Cancer.....

Dear Cancer:

I wanted to update you on Jim....Since you have come into our lives attempting to destroy it, we have reconnected with friends we haven't seen in years, we have had people praying for us all over the United States, I heard from several people on fb telling us they were praying, we have had some of the most amazing meals ever, but the best part, we have slowed our pace down and just sit together.

So, I want to thank you for all the above. You can't come into our lives and destroy it.....You can make us take a new route, which we will have to, but you can't untie a knot that is secured by Jesus Christ.

Letting go of today...

I've cooked, cleaned, shopped, washed clothes, in anticipation of what tomorrow will bring.  Today, I'm finding myself following him everywhere he goes.  When I don't see him, I search until I find him.  I sit and watch him when he is outside working on the pool....He loves working on that thing...Probably therapy for him and everything happening in the next week.  

June 28 will forever change my life.  The one thing I hate most....cancer has come uninvited once again.  It came in 1982 and took the very thing I needed most in my life (at the time)...my Mom....I don't do life without her.....I watched that uninvited guest rob her of everything she held dear...her life....And now, it has come in my life again to take the very thing I need most in my life.....My love.....I don't do life without him.....I find the bitterness really creeping in my life today....We should be on vacation, running around a beach, eating way too much, laughing with our boys, seeing sights we've never seen before....Instead I smell healing broth boiling in my kitchen, while I watch my dryer spin round and round with the sheets that will be nice and clean for him to sleep tonite.......Because tomorrow is the first day of our new life....

I'm supposed to be walking where Jesus walked......

Today, I'm not supposed to be at my house, cooking dinner, listening to music.....But God had other plans.....And oddly enough, I was okay being left behind.....As I do with everything in life, I said, "it just wasn't God's will for me to go'.  I was okay until I heard Larnelle Harris sing my very song.....

Then the sadness hit me....I'm not supposed to be at home.....I'm supposed to be walking where Jesus walked....Say that 3 times fast...When you hear it, you just don't let that sink in...But today, it sunk in.....To actually walk where Jesus walked...WOW!!!!!

         I walked today where Jesus walked.....In days of old.....I wondered down the path

               he knew.....

                                         And felt HIS presence there.....

I have three friends that are there right now....Tonight as we are sleeping, she will be in a hospital in Isreal.....My heart is broken....God, YOU have GOT to heal her....No, not the ultimate healing where she will be forever with YOU in Heaven...As much as we all long for that day, I need her here....The world needs her here....She has such a passion for YOU, Lord....She has so much left to say and do for YOU!!!!!!!

Please do me a favor.....at around 2:30 a.m. if you are awake, please say a prayer for her...NOT just a, "Oh God, be with her'.......A gut wrenching cry out to our Lord Jesus Christ for healing....and to be with the Doctors and everyone involved.....Then listen to Larnelle Harris sing I walked today where Jesus walked....

Walk Christi....Walk everywhere Jesus put his foot down......Feel the very presense of GOD!!! 

And we will be here praying for your every step......And come home to us expecting a miracle....Because this girl still believes God is in the miracle business.....We are going to sit back and watch in amazement......

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day….Who even invented that day?  I know!  …….a college student, who waited til the last minute to write a paper for her English class final. So she felt compelled to write about her Mom. Why not? The teacher is a woman and surely a mom! This will seal the deal for a sure “A”.  So, she wrote, let’s make a day just for MOTHERS!  We’ll call it, “Mother’s Day”.

This young student had never been told to sit down to hear the word “cancer” from her mother.  She never had to give up the dream of going off to college to start “living” the life, to stay home and care for her mother.  She never watched the strongest woman in her world dwindle down to skin and bones. And…..never had she dressed her mother in the prettiest purple suit to bury her. 

So, my view on Mother’s Day is quite different than most.  I was that college student.  I had to bury my mom way too early. There was so much she missed.  Boyfriend break ups, college graduation, meeting the greatest thing that happened to me…Jim, being outside the delivery room as my sweet boys were being born, watching all their sports events, having them spend the night with her all the time, being on the other end of the phone when I (and all my sisters, too!) needed advice as an adult.  Oh, the list could go on and on.  BUT…. what I did get from my Mom, was three amazing sisters.  Yes, GOD IS GOOD…..I can NOT imagine, nor do I ever want to, not having Karen, Julie, and Vickie in my life.  I long for the times we ALL four get together.  We laugh, cry, advise, cuss (just Vickie!) and, just be sisters and friends.  They say, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  Nope, it takes my wonderful family!!

I have watched my sisters marry wonderful men, bear and raise amazing children, and yet, all-the-while maintain their grace and dignity. Now, as we step into new roles, we see our amazing kids getting married and starting their own families.  Oh how proud my Mom would be today to see these lives unfold. 

And so, this letter is to my Mom……

Dear Mom:

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you.  I am still a little angry that you had to leave me so soon.  Yes, I know what you are saying, “God has a plan.”  I get all that but, HIS plan isn’t always my plan.  But, Mom, you will be happy to know, I worked the anger out with GOD and we are good now.  How are you in Heaven? I know you knew a lot of people and the people you didn’t know, you knew within a day or two…..that is just like you.  I hope you are still singing like you did here on earth.  AND, more than anything, I hope you still have your fantastic sense of humor.  Have you tried any sarcasm jokes on GOD yet?  What is God like?  I bet you anything you have told GOD all about your grandkids.  Which, I’m pretty sure, HE already knows.  But that won’t stop you. 

Today is Mother’s Day.  So, that means I have to be reminded of how very much I miss you.  Guess what, I am a mother too.  Yes, of two wonderful, handsome, active boys.  Mom, they play basketball.  Yes, basketball!  Your most favorite sport ever!  Oh, I know (of course) you would have been at every game they played.  Guess what, they also played football and baseball…..Pretty sure you would have been at those games also.

You will find pleasure in knowing my youngest is JUST like me.  Remember the wreck I had with my cousin, the one I didn’t tell you or Dad about, but walked miles and miles to find someone at home to call a tow truck? …Only to have you see it on my face when I got home.  I now know you do know everything.  Well, my son had a similar wreck.  It could/should have been so much worse.  Mom, I couldn’t breathe for a while, considering the possibility of never holding that boy again.  I understand now, how worried you and Dad were when I did so MANY stupid things.  Oh, do I get it! 

You would be so proud of Karen, Julie, and Vickie.  Mom, after you died, we got so close.  We all four talk/text every day.  You would laugh at some of the things we talk about.  Your grand kids are truly beautiful.  Oh my gosh, we are so busy this summer with weddings.  Christine got married last weekend.  Mom, she was breathtaking.  You should meet her.  She is highly motivated.  She KNOWS what she wants to do.  To really know her, you would have to meet Julie’s husband, John.  Mom, he could probably get you that police scanner you always wanted...

Vickie’s youngest, Stephanie, is getting married in June.  Oh mom, she looks so much like you!!!  She is truly going to be a beautiful bride.  And, her husband-to-be is witty, just like you.  I want to look at the sunset on her wedding day just to make sure you are there watching her walk down the aisle. 

And then, Karen’s second daughter, Anna, is getting married in July.  OH MY GOSH Mom, she is so beautiful and talented.  I can’t wait to see her wedding.  It is going to be a wedding like we have never seen before.  Again, I will look for you in a beautiful sunset that day. 

Mom, I really wish you could be here today to see how I turned out.  Yes, I think I did okay.  I know you and Dad had your doubts….Sadly, there were many days I had those doubts also.  But I married a man that took those doubts and showed me how to turn them into positive things.  And it worked.  He gave me two beautiful children of my own and through him I got two more beautiful kids, Tiffany and Jimmy. 

I have written so much and know you need to get back to singing and praising!  Please know, I love you and strive to be like you more and more every day.  I just wanted you to know, your girls are okay.  We are more than okay, we are blessed…..because of you and because you are the glue that holds us together. 

I love you Mom….  

Nessa